The Twilight of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Alex McM
Summary: Haruhi finds a bunch of DVDs in a bargain bin. One of them is called Twilight. She has high expectations because its about vampires...Ha! Yeah right! Once again it's up to Kyon to stop Haruhi from going on a rampage and destroying the world as we know it!
1. Bargain Bin Surprise

**The Twilight of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Now, I actually got the idea for this from a review...A rather strange area to strike the muse to write a story, but whatever inspiration can be found anywhere I guess. This was originally going to be a oneshot, but it's a little to big to contain in just one chapter now so it will be broken up into a few parts instead. I hope you enjoy it and also, please review. If you don't Haruhi will get mad and you know what will happen then, don't you!

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><p>The sun was especially bright today. The clouds floated lazily across the sky like a fat guy at a public pool. I don't know why I was looking at the sky, maybe it was because I was having one of those 'escape the harshness of reality' moments. Moments that a certain someone vehemently wished would happen. And no I'm not talking about myself. I may not be entirely pleased with my life but I'm still more than happy to keep things as they are, as opposed to having a certain someone change the entire world at will.<p>

Now, this certain someone I've been talking about...She isn't a special someone, well I mean she is technically quite special but not in a personal way. Just because I happened to have locked lips with this certain someone like once time before doesn't mean anything! I was forced into it! And besides-Hang on where was I going with this? Oh who cares, just remember that this special person is pretty much a nightmare to co-exist with.

And so we come to the centre of this shrubbery maze as that certain someone bursts through the door, practically knocking it off of its hinges. There is a sparkle of hyperactive excitement in her eyes like a toddler on a sugar high. I know for a fact that when this person's eyes sparkle bad things are bound to happen. I guess bad things always sparkle. A knife sparkles, I know fairly well about that too. A car about to crash usually shines and sparkles. Hmm, maybe I'm onto something here, but it will have to wait for now. That person has just opened her mouth. This will be loud...

"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late!" Yeah...It was loud.

Why apologise for being late? You should be apologising for actually showing up! I guess you can tell that this girl is a real pain in the ass can't you? God, am I _that_ transparent? Well maybe I should fill you in.

This girl's name is Haruhi Suzumiya. She's a bouncy ball of fire that tends to burn those too close to her...And I've got third degree burns. She was originally a completely unsociable girl who wouldn't speak to anyone unless spoken to and even then she would shut them down with just a few words. Then, by some unknown miracle (Or curse) she actually began to converse with someone. Guess who? Yeah it was me...

Now usually I would be overjoyed that a pretty young girl is talking to me, but Haruhi isn't your normal girl. In fact some people think she's a God. They also think she's a time/space warp or something confusing like that as well. She has also been likened to the key to auto-evolution. You're probably scratching your head right now and I don't blame you. I was once like you. I was once an innocent bystander wondering what the Hell was going on. Then I found out...Now I'm even more confused.

You see Haruhi supposedly has the ability to alter our world in any way she sees fit just by dreaming about it. Now I shouldn't really say supposedly because I've seen it happen first-hand but admittedly I'm still rather cynical of her 'abilities'. Now Haruhi has no idea that she has this power, but other people do. And surprisingly quite a few of them attend the same high school.

That brings me to where I am currently trapped. This is the Literary Club room, but before you ask, no I'm not an avid reader. No, this is _supposed _to be the literary club room, but thanks to our Miss Suzumiya it is now the SOS Brigade headquarters. The SOS Brigade, or the 'Save the World by Overloading it with fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade' for short. The completely meaningless yet time-consuming club that I was forced to join.

Sitting in the corner was Yuki Nagato. She was reading a book thick enough and heavy enough to use as a weapon. She did not move a muscle, except for a slow graceful flick of her fingers as she turned pages every now and then. Nagato could easily go unnoticed and take it from me; I've missed her quite a few times myself. She is the sole member of the literary club but ever since Haruhi's hostile take-over she has silently and obediently tagged along in everything we have done. She does have the slight oddity of being an alien. Yes you read right, she's an alien. Created by something called the Data Overmind as a way to communicate with humans and monitor Miss Suzumiya's behaviour. Her mannerisms are more befitting of a robot, but she looks like a life-size china-doll. As usual she paid no heed as to what was actually going on and just sat there reading.

Sitting across from me at the block of desks assembled in the centre of the room was Itsuki Koizumi, smiling arrogantly like always. You don't know how much it pisses me off. Even when I tell him how much I hate it, his smile just grows bigger as if I'm feeding the damn thing! He is always smiling and he always has this air of confidence around him as if everything is always going fine. Maybe I'm envious of him. Actually no, I just hate that god damn smile! He's an esper. I've seen him and his powers at work so I'm basically forced to believe it. We are playing checkers. It's been a custom for the SOS Brigade to do absolutely nothing at least 90% of the time and so we just sit around drinking tea and playing board games.

Speaking of tea, a cup was laid down before me by a beautiful, baby-faced, time-travelling angel in a maid outfit. Ah, Mikuru Asahina. The only real reason why I actually keep crawling back to this room every day after school. She always looks upset or nervous, but that only makes her so damn cute that I want to reach out and- Um...Forget about that. Anyway, Haruhi has a strange obsession with using Miss Asahina as something of a mannequin. There is an entire rack full of costumes that have been forced upon the sweet little second-year, but the maid outfit is one she has taken to wearing everyday out of habit (and Haruhi's threats). I'm not complaining though. That outfit and Miss Asahina's petite yet well-endowed figure are really quite fetching and seem to cure most of life's ailments. It even calms me after Haruhi's outbursts every now and then! Such is the power of her sweet smiling face.

Now I've gone a bit off track haven't I? I'm rambling like a damn fool. If you aren't already asleep remember me saying something about Miss Suzumiya bursting through the door like a fire-cracker and needlessly apologising? Well that wasn't all she said.

With a great beaming smile and a triumphant pose, Haruhi declared that, "Today we are going to watch a movie!"

Yay.

"I was at the DVD store the other day and you won't believe what I found in the bargain bin!"

"Was it our movie?" I asked sarcastically.

Haruhi winked at me and giggled. Damn it why does her laugh have to sound so cute? But remember, it's a trap! Everything involving Haruhi is a trap! Anyway Haruhi let out a cheerful little giggle like a regular schoolgirl and grinned.

"Yep!"

Oh that's nice...Hang on! What do you mean 'yep'? What is our movie doing there?

"I sold them a few copies a while back! I can't believe they are actually selling them!" Haruhi seemed overly pleased with herself. Koizumi clapped, supporting her as always like a teacher's pet. Bastard...

As usual Nagato was still deeply immersed in her book and most likely not even listening to a single word Haruhi is saying. I admire her courage. I wish I could do that, but whenever I start spacing out I either get hit, verbally abused or charged with paying for everyone's meal.

But despite Nagato's utter indifference, Miss Asahina on the other hand looked on the verge of collapse, her cheeks burning red. "W-wait! You mean it's for sale?"

"Uh-huh!" Haruhi chirped.

Asahina's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fell down, her tray of tea cluttering to the floor. I rushed over to see to her while Haruhi danced around and cheered.

"Our little actress was so excited that she passed out! See Kyon, that's the dedication you need for the SOS Brigade!"

I stared at her blankly. "I don't think she was excited, I think she just died of embarrassment! It was painful enough showing that thing at the arts festival but now more people will see it."

"It was cheap too. A real bargain, they slashed 70% off!" As usual, Haruhi ignored me and only listened to what she wanted to hear before spouting off more senseless drivel.

But as embarrassing as that movie was, I must admit I feel rather disheartened that it was sent to the bargain bin. Wait, what am I saying? It deserves to be there. People won't pay good money to see a mediocre movie with no plot and character development so retarded you would swear it was written by a three year old. Not to mention the special effects were just cartoony graphics found on a simple computer program and little to no editing was actually done, rather just all the shots were crammed together in random order and labelled a movie.

"And since they were all so cheap I bought a bunch of other movies as well!" Haruhi reached inside a little plastic bag and pulled out a dozen or so DVD's like a cheesy musician pulling a rabbit out of a hat. She held them out in a fan shape as if she were playing poker. The one in front was titled 'Twilight'. It sounded rather dull, but Haruhi noticed my expression and decided to defend herself.

"This one is awesome! It's about vampires!"

"Have you seen it before?" I asked.

"Nope." Haruhi said flatly.

"Well then how do you know its good then?"

"Woman's intuition." Haruhi stated proudly.

I wish I could have laughed, but that was just too stupid to process into words. I guess my scepticism was still etched into my face because Haruhi angrily crossed her arms and glared at me. "Come on! We're going to watch a movie!"


	2. Private Screening

People don't pay good money to watch bad films right? Ha! How wrong I was. The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina was bad, but at least the shining star that was Miss Asahina was perpetually up on the screen. I could easily lie back and just lose myself in awe of the rather incredible outfit that Haruhi had snagged from some shady internet store.

That Twilight film however...

We didn't even make it to the end. Haruhi threw the remote at the big screen and started having a tantrum. Rather than turn it off herself she threw a shoe at me and yelled at me to turn it off for her. I was kind of glad to do the honours of blacking out the screen and never having to watch a second of that awful abomination for the rest of my life.

Koizumi shrugged his shoulders, another mannerism that totally pisses me off. "Well, at least they tried."

Asahina was staring off into space, probably still obsessing over the fact that somewhere in this area, people were sitting on comfy couches, eating popcorn and watching her dance around clumsily with toy guns.

Nagato had not even looked at the screen once during the entire 'screening'. In fact she had been staring blankly at the wall for the past hour. It makes you wonder what she thinks about in those long periods of idle time.

Haruhi had a look on her face as if she had just watched a puppy drown. That then turned to a very, very angry face. At that point Koizumi, Asahina, Nagato and I all shared uneasy glances. We all knew from experience what happened when Haruhi got angry. And she was angrier than a menstruating female wrestler in the middle of a title match. I guess that makes sense, I don't know...It's hard to sound sophisticated when you're shitting yourself. Sorry.

The enraged god opened her mouth to speak and I braced myself for the verbal thunderstorm that would no doubt erupt from the young girl. I was surprised instead to hear her submissively whisper, "I'm going home." and promptly snatch up her bag and storm out of the room.

When she was gone, the remaining brigade members all looked to one another again. Everyone looked concerned.

"It seems," Koizumi decided to explain, "that Miss Suzumiya had very high expectations for the film. As a fan of all things supernatural she expected a film about vampires to be very entertaining. Since it was against her expectations and admittedly rather terrible, Miss Suzumiya is quite upset."

"Quite upset? She had steam coming out of her ears! I think she's little bit more than upset!" Yeah I should have stayed calm but I'm the one who always ends up in strange situations when Haruhi has her mood swings so I have good reason to be agitated.

"What should we do?" Asahina asked, quivering in a way that was so adorable I had to force myself to look away before I accidentally picked her up and squeezed her like a python.

"Well...We either make our own horror movie with vampires to cheer her up...Or we cure her melancholy with something else..." I don't the like the way he grinned at me as he said that.

"What are you looking at me like that for?" I snarled. "What do you want me to do?"

"Remember the story of Snow White-"

"You swore you would never bring that up again!" I blurted out maybe a little bit too loudly.

Koizumi just chuckled, "Well any other suggestions."

We all looked around again, but none of us spoke. We had no leads to go upon other than those Koizumi had proposed and they both sounded ridiculous. Maybe we could just prepare ourselves for the inevitable closed space and take it from there?

Regardless of our decision, we all decided to head home. It was getting cloudy outside and none of us wanted to get stuck in a downpour.

As we headed out to the front gate and made our farewells, Asahina tugged at my sleeve. I looked down at her with a straight face, struggling to remain composed when I really couldn't resist the nervous expression on her face.

"Hey Kyon," she whispered so softly I had to strain my head to hear her, "I'm scared...What if Miss Suzumiya does what she did...Uh...That last time?"

"You mean when she tried to destroy the world and create a new one?" I ask, "Don't worry! If it comes to that I'll knock some sense into her!"

Miss Asahina, just like the innocent child she resembles, took that literally and her eyes narrowed. "Kyon! You can't-"

"I was kidding! Kidding! But trust me I'll sort it out." I think I'm trying harder to reassure myself than her, but it seems to get the job done. She forces a weak little smile, like a frail ray of sunshine on a stormy winter day. I can't help but feel all warm and fuzzy inside after that but thankfully Miss Asahina wanders off before she catches sight of my stupid day-dreaming expression (The one that Haruhi isn't too fond of)

Now, I know Twilight was a god-awful piece of crap. The plot was more childish than the jumbled mess of cross-word clues that served as a plot for our movie. The actors were even worse at their roles than our motionless mute monster, our cute and clumsy maid and our ever smiling, smug jackass who came dangerously close to kissing Miss Asahina! That's right Koizumi! I still haven't forgiven you, you sneaky bastard! But really, the actors in Twilight looked like they were picked out from a cheap nightclub and the bus stop outside. Even the dialogue (A horrendous problem with our movie) effortlessly surpassed the nauseating verbal diarrhoea spewing from their pale, sparkly lips.

Oh and that was the worst part of all. The sparkling vampires. Now I'm not an expert on vampire mythology...But I'm pretty sure none of them ever sparkled. Remember what I said earlier about things that sparkle? Well I really was right! The cartoon special effects that made our movie look so bad appeared like Hollywood block-buster stuff compared to the silly little sparkles they splashed onto the actor's flesh.

Needless to say it was an eyesore. It was crap. It was garbage. It was worse than Two-girls-one-cup (Which Haruhi had ordered us to watch last month, as a test of endurance) Even _that _had more believable acting in it and that's saying something. Now if you'll excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little and need to get a drink so I'll wrap this up. It was really, really bad. The worst film I'd ever seen.

But surely that wouldn't enrage Haruhi enough to create closed space and destroy the world right? I fearfully contemplated the answer as I tossed and turned in bed that night.

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><p><span>Haruhi said to review this story, otherwise heads would roll!<span>


	3. Counting Sheep and Interrupted Sleep

I was having a brief fit of sleep, entirely blissful in that my dreams were of Miss Asahina. We were having an SOS Brigade fashion show and as Miss Suzumiya would put it, out little moe mascot with the perfect body was strutting clumsily across the run-way in a range of outfits. It started out innocent enough but then her outfits were becoming increasingly bizarre. I only sensed something was wrong when I noticed the baby-faced model trot out on all fours in a sheep costume.

Her timid, blushing face was of course so damn cute that I wanted to sheer that sheep and uncover what lay underneath!

…

Actually that sounds rather creepy. How about we just say she was cute? Sorry Miss Asahina, your beauty consumes me sometimes...

Now where was I? I forgot the minute I started drooling. Oh right the sheep thing (Not the New Zealand one, sorry. Wait how do I know about that?) Now Mikuru Asahina trotting about in a sheep costume is something you don't see every day, but I've seen it before and I fear I know what's coming next.

Yep, as expected, Haruhi crossed into my field of vision in a full-body dog suit. I must say it lacks the charms of the bunny suit but that is to be expected of course. But this dog suit, let me explain. Sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep (Okay it's not every time, just sometimes!) I try to count sheep. It's supposed to work and I need all the help I can get usually.

The unfortunate thing is. Every time I count sheep, Miss Asahina and Haruhi always pop up out of nowhere, dressed as a sheep and herding dog respectively. Haruhi observes that I'm trying to fall asleep and then attacks the adorable little lamb with a whip until either she jumps into a hoop with tears in her eyes, or has an emotional breakdown and I suddenly pass out.

I feared the same would happen here but in my dream state I was powerless to stop Haruhi as she stepped right in front of me and smiled. "Hey, it looks like Kyon is trying to fall asleep."

I would have flinched if I could. I would have leapt out in front of the little lamb and sacrificed myself for her. Or maybe I should just punch Haruhi? I've always wondered what that would be like, but I've never tried it...You know, because of the whole 'she can destroy the world as she pleases' thing. But this is a dream so surely giving her a shot to the chops won't bring about the apocalypse right?

Meh. I'm a spineless coward. Even in my dreams...

I caught the nervous gaze of the lovely little lamb and a wave of guilt flooded over me as I started blinking rapidly. This was no good. Haruhi was brandishing a whip she had procured from no-where. She raised it high. A deceptive smile crossed her face and her eyes seemed to burn with frenzied excitement.

Sorry Miss Asahina...

"Bad!" Haruhi shouted so suddenly I almost fell of the hypothetical chair in my dream. I watched as the whip moved so fast it became nothing but a blur. I wanted to close my eyes to spare myself the pain of watching Asahina be tortured like that, but I was surprised when the whip sailed straight past the little sheep and cracked down on the edge of the seat so dangerously close to my groin that I felt the air vibrations all the way down my legs. I yelped like cat whose tail had just been stomped on. Haruhi just laughed before immediately launching into her angry mood again. "Wake up Kyon!"

The whip lashed out again, but this time it was on a crash course for the target missed before. I screamed and screamed and-

Woke up.

I sweating profusely like an overweight person in a sauna. In fact it felt like a sauna because my cheeks were burning. I was also curled up in a ball like a wounded animal. My hands were protectively covering my crotch and my convulsive fit of fear must have been translated into real life too because everyone was staring at me. Asahina was cowering behind Koizumi, her face a perfectly readable mix of fear and disgust. PLease Miss Asahina, don't reject me...

Koizumi was smiling. I should have seen that coming but because it surprised me for some reason makes it worse. In fact seeing him smile like that pisses me off more than anything! I'd rather he be staring at me with his jaw dropped or shaking his head in shame than wearing that bloody smile!

Nagato stared at me in the way you watch an animal at the zoo, only with a lot less enthusiasm. That was to be expected I guess. I've never seen a blatantly obvious expression on her face. In fact the difference between her smile and a straight face are so minuscule there probably aren't even sufficient measurements for it.

Haruhi looked utterly repulsed. She looked like someone had just thrown up on her favourite dress. She crossed her arms and scowled at me, turning her nose up and scoffing, "Disgusting!" loud enough for me to hear it and blush madly.

But that is beside the point. The important thing is why the hell the entire SOS Brigade is gathered in my room! And also, why is my room completely different from- Oh damn it!

I glare at Haruhi and she steps back and frowns, "Hey! Don't look at me like that you creep! I hope you weren't dreaming about _me_?"

I shake my head and sigh. What an idiot. Just like Haruhi to miss the point of something completely and obsess over the most insignificant, unrelated detail. It's so predictable it feels almost normal. But it's not normal! How can any of this be normal? And ebsides, why would I dream about you? I have much better things to dream about...Like Mikuru in a sheep costume...Laugh all you want but if you saw her you would be salivating like a dog faced with a juicy steak.

But more importantly something about this place is very, very wrong. For you see, we are all trapped in a void, unsettling Hell known as...

Closed space...

Why me again? Why the entire SOS Brigade? Oh well. If the world is destroyed and we need to repopulate I call Miss Asahina to be my Eve! The angelic creature in question retreats further behind Koizumi's back and Haruhi's expression of disgust turns even worse.

"Keep Mikuru out of your twisted fantasies Kyon!"

Oh shit, they're onto me! I keep forgetting that whenever I think about Miss Asahina I always end up looking at her with sparkles in my eyes and a stupid smile on my face.

Hey wait a minute! Sparkles...Closed space...

…

Shit!

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><p><span>Review or you will be charged the bill for the SOS Brigade's lunch!<span>


	4. Emergency Procedures

Closed space. I don't believe it...Well, I should since I've been through this crap enough times that I pretty much have to. Still, I have never been able to combat the unnerving feeling I get from this place. There is no light, no life and no sound. It's as if the entire world had been turned off. Like the batteries had run out in the Earth's core and every living thing powered down. Hmm, I wonder if Nagato runs on batteries.

Dammit I'm trying to escape reality again! And besides Nagato isn't a robot despite her mannerisms, she's an alien or something like that...

"Kyon! Stop spacing out!" Haruhi yells right in my ear. I don't think she understands the concept of inside and outside voices.

"Don't yell! That hurts!" I snap. I probably sound like a whining little kid but I don't care. That _did _hurt!

Haruhi slaps me on the back of the head and waves around herself, "Look Kyon! We're in the club room! But everything is...wrong. Why are we here? I thought I was asleep?"

"Maybe you sleep walk?" I suggested to which Miss Suzumiya snorted derisively and turned away from me.

"This is just like that nightmare I had back then..."

Everyone's eyes widen in surprise, well except for Nagato. She just looked up, but I guess that counts as shock for her. Anyway, we all know what nightmare she is talking about, because that was not just an ordinary nightmare. That had really happened.

Haruhi looks around anxiously with a slender finger pressed to her chin. With her face pursed in concentration she actually looks kind of sweet...

Urgh! Stop escaping reality! This is serious! This is a closed space with Haruhi inside. That must mean she is going to destroy the entire world! All over a film? What the Hell is wrong with her?

"Maybe we should search the building? There might be other people here, or a phone or a radio or...Something." Haruhi took the lead and stepped outside. She looked to the right and then the left as if she were crossing a road and then took Miss Asahina's hand.

"Come on Mikuru, we'll search up this way. You guys take the other end of the hall and meet back in ten minutes! Got it?"

Koizumi smiled. I said nothing. Nagato jumped up to her feet, danced around, laughed and said, "Aye, aye captain!"

No just kidding she said less than nothing and stared at Haruhi in the way you would when there is a crumb on someone's face that they aren't aware of.

With that we set off. Haruhi was running, dragging Miss Asahina along like an unwilling participant in a three legged race. She took a firm grip of the upper-class man's wrist and yanked her along down the hall, ignoring her cries to stop and slow down. We waited until they were out of sight before we turned to each other.

None of us moved a step. We didn't have to. We already knew there would be no phone, no radio, no communication with the doomed outside world.

I instinctively turned to Koizumi. In times of crisis he always had a thoroughly confusing explanation for everything. This time was no different. With a smug grin on his face he spoke so softly and calmly that I wanted to strangle him.

"It seems Miss Suzumiya really disliked Twilight."

I glared at him and snarled, "Don't ever say something like that with a straight face!"

He laughed.

I got mad.

"Don't laugh! This is serious! What if Haruhi destroys the world? What if we are the only people left alive in this new world she creates? I don't want to spend eternity with you people!"

Koizumi smiled again and my fists convulsively clenched. "There should be nothing to worry about. We are all here together so any troubles we may face should be no hassle." He stepped over towards the wall and leaned his back against it while staring at me. Then he added, "I'm glad we're friends too."

If this were an anime a big vein would have popped up on my forehead. But instead I nearly had a mental breakdown and beat the living shit out of that smug smart-ass! I struggled to reserve my composure and was about to snap when Nagato spoke.

"Snow White"

I froze and stared at her. You've got to be kidding me? Again with that? Nagato met my gaze and returned it with an intensity I had never seen before. It was kind of frightening, but dazzling all the same.

"Miss Nagato is correct," Koizumi explained, folding his arms across his chest, "All we have to do to free ourselves from this closed space and return everything to normal is-"

"By 'we' you only mean me right?" I spat. "Well I already told you to forget about it! I won't be doing that again! I still can't get the after-taste out of my mouth!" Koizumi looked like he was about to respond to that so I shot him a fierce glare and growled, "Don't!"

He raised his hands up like a hostage in a bank robbery and stepped away. I was so focused on the esper boy that I forgot about the quiet little pseudo-alien thingy standing beside me. There was a gentle tug on my sleeve and I glanced down at her frozen face. It's actually kind of cute seeing her standing there, a slight hint of desperation in her eyes. I'm sorry Miss Asahina; I don't know how much longer I can resist-"

"Snow White." she says again in a voice as flat as tap water. That spoiled it.

I sigh and lean against the club room's door. I can't even be bothered looking at the others anymore so I just face the window and look out into the abysmally darkened sky. It looks disturbingly empty out there. I can't see anything out there.

"So then. What to do?" Koizumi asks.

"Snow White." Nagato persists. Is she broken? She sounds like a broken record. Maybe if I rub her a little she might start working again? Actually you know what that also sounds really wrong and could definitely be misconstrued by people such as Taniguchi...So let's just forget that was ever said and get back to more pressing matters shall we?

Koizumi looked to me expectantly. "So, what will you do?"

"I'm not doing the Snow White thing with Haruhi again! You can forget that! I'm sure I'm not the only person here who can snap her out of her delusions right? After all you are both here as well. That just proves that she trusts you as much as she trusts me!"

"As expected, you understand Miss Suzumiya well."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I snap back at him. I'm starting to pant. This is really wearing me out. I don't think I've been this angry in a long time.

"You are Miss Suzumiya's chosen-"

"No I'm not! I'm not like you okay? I'm a normal person! I'm not an alien or a time traveller or an esper or whatever else is lurking around this school like parasites! I'm not special in any way so why am I the one dragged into all this crap? If Haruhi wants to play around with unusual characters then she can do so herself. You guys can sort her out!"

Running footsteps thudded down the hall. In the near silence of the closed space the footsteps were deafening, thunderous explosions of reverberating sound.

Koizumi closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "Time is running out. What will you do?"

Haruhi and Miss Asahina bolted down the hall towards us. Their shadows crept over me as I stared straight at Koizumi and declared, "Nothing."

"Kyon are you alright?" Haruhi called from up the hall, "I heard yelling!"

I didn't look away from Koizumi. "Someone else can play around with fairy tales. I'm done!"

Haruhi finally caught up. She looked fine, but the poor little angel beside her was doubled over and panting like an over-worked puppy. The eccentric Miss Suzumiya was oddly serious as she placed a hand on my shoulder and asked, "Are you alright? What happened?"

Koizumi shrugged. "I don't know. Kyon, what happened?"

I glared at him and mouthed the word "No!"

It was then that Nagato took a step forward. Her sudden yet slow movement caught me off guard and I almost let out a yelp of surprise but managed to bite my tongue before I embarrassed myself further.

"Yuki..." Haruhi muttered as she stared at the mute young girl who stepped forward again, her arms outstretched like a zombie in a George. A. Romero film. "What...What is it?" Haruhi stepped back, her eyes narrowing. I'd never seen her truly terrified like this. What in the world (That was soon to be destroyed) was going on? Was Nagato going to kill Haruhi? But that's insane! Or maybe she was going to seal away her powers or something with one of her magic chants? Or maybe...Oh no...No, no, no, no ,no!

Nagato closed in on Haruhi still moving at her usual snail's pace. She grabbed Haruhi's arms and held her still as she closed in. The robotic young girl stared deep into her captive's eyes as if there was something written in fine print there. She appeared to be concentrating hard. She stared at her with her gleaming little eyes and her mouth moved ever so slightly as she whispered, "Miss Suzumiya..."

Haruhi wasn't in the mood for conversation. She was struggling to free herself from the inhuman grip of Yuki Nagato. She didn't realise it, but we all knew there was no way she would be able to escape. For Nagato isn't a normal girl.

Nagato turned her head to one side and then jerked it over to the opposite side, flicking what little hair she had in an unusual gesture. Then in a blank, emotionless voice she whispered, ever so softly, "Pony-tails really turn me on."

Haruhi looked like she was about to explode, but she was diffused when in the blink of an eye, Nagato pressed her mouth against the soft pink lips of the supposed God/time warp/key to auto-evolution, and kissed her.

For once Koizumi wasn't smiling. In fact his eyes were as wide as golf balls and his jaw had dropped. He looked like he had a stroke. Miss Asahina fainted and I...

I couldn't look away...

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><p><span>You know you want to review. Give in to temptation.<span>


	5. Encounter of The Sparkling Kind

Fire rained down from the sky, incinerating the landscape and reducing it to ash. The fearsome rumbling roar of thunder was so powerful that it smashed windows and cracked the Earth. Ashen clouds spewed acid rain upon the dying world as life on earth ended in an apocalyptic storm from Hell.

That's what I was envisioning in my head while I watched on, dumbfounded by Nagato's sudden outburst. Of course I was thinking of other things too but I would never tell you that.

Now I knew Nagato was interested in Miss Suzumiya but for God's sake this is just...Just...I don't know how to finish that sentence. Too many conflicting answers are crowding my over-worked mind.

Haruhi was originally beating her fists against the little alien in an attempt to stop her but I think somewhere along the line she was knocked out cold. I couldn't help but wondering if maybe Nagato had the right idea behind her unorthodox solution. I mean after all, Haruhi wanted to experience the extraordinary did she not? Well I'm sure an experimental weekend with another girl would suffice as out of the ordinary?

Still, I think maybe I was only thinking such things because I was praying that this little escapade doesn't result in the destruction of the earth and all life too. Or maybe I just wanted to see it again? Hmm...I think I'll wait until the storm clouds clear before I decide upon that.

It should be pointed out that Haruhi had lost consciousness three minutes ago. Either she was too stunned by Yuki's advances, or maybe the pseudo-alien slipped a fast-acting drug down her throat during her kiss. Or maybe Haruhi just couldn't breathe. Either way her knees turned to jelly some time ago and her body slumped. But Nagato still held her close like a python and kissed her passionately.

I know this is going to sound weird but...This is the most emotion and passion I've ever seen from Nagato. What the Hell did that Data Overmind thing teach her?

"M-Miss Nagato?" I asked, my voice cracking.

She showed no response to me. She didn't stop either.

"Nagato I think that's enough..." I coaxed gently.

Still nothing.

"Please stop."

Nope, still going. If she doesn't stop soon I'm going to have to lie down.

"Nagato!"

She paused. Her entire body went rigid as if someone had tripped over her power cord and knocked it out of the socket. She glanced up at me with eyes full of life, well for Nagato's standards anyway.

"That is enough. Let her go." I spoke slowly, mostly because I was trying to remember how to breathe again.

She dropped her carelessly, letting the supposed God slap the wooden floor with the side of her head. The very odd alien looked to me expectantly, like a dog waiting to be praised for dropping the ball. Well Nagato definitely dropped the ball...Figuratively and literally...

But don't look at me like that! What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? I'm so confused right now I can barely even remember my name. Wait what is my name? Oh that's right its-

"..." Nagato said very loudly. She was still staring at me. I had the feeling that even if I ignored her she wouldn't look away until I acknowledged her efforts.

So with no other choice and without really thinking I patted her on the head as you would a dog. Any normal person would have felt so patronised that they probably would have punched me in the stomach, but Nagato...She smiled. Sure her smile is tiny and if you blinked you would miss it but I noticed the faintest little twitch in the shape of her mouth. That rare little smile...No wonder she has secret admirers...

"Good job!" I spurted out like an idiot, even throwing in a little thumbs up. I felt like I'd seen that before but who cares.

Nagato's eyes were positively gleaming (Slightly) but before she got too carried away I decided to rain on her little parade. "But, I don't think it worked." I explained.

Nagato bowed her head and for a moment I thought she was going to start crying but then she just sort of stared at Haruhi's motionless body with child-like curiosity.

"Well," Koizumi finally found his voice. I think I took a bit too much satisfaction in seeing him without his dumb-ass smile. I probably had a smug grin like his on my face at that moment. "That was...An interesting plan miss Nagato." Koizumi's cheeks were as white as a sheet.

"I replicated the actions which resolved the prior closed space incident." Nagato explained her master plan in her usual blank tone. "Unfortunately, Miss Suzumiya has not reversed the process. It did not work."

"It would appear so. Though you have helped prove something for me, so I thank you." Koizumi smiled again. Dammit!

"What did it prove? That Haruhi isn't a lesbian?" I asked.

"No!" Koizumi lifted a finger and grinned, "It proved that the Snow White plan only works with you."

"Oh shut up!" I snapped, "I'm sure the reason Nagato's plan failed was because Haruhi is here for something else." I could have said something else, but I didn't want to hurt Nagato's feelings, supposing that she actually has them.

Koizumi looked intrigued. Nagato looked uninterested as always. Miss Asahina was unconscious.

"Haruhi created this place because she hated that stupid movie right?" Koizumi nodded. "Well then simply kissing it better isn't going to work is it? Haruhi probably wants something else instead."

"I see." Koizumi stroked his chin. "Perhaps Miss Suzumiya created this closed space to find real vampires?"

"Vampires? Where?" A shrill voice echoed from across the hall. "Oh right, sorry. Never mind..."

We all turned in unison and stared at a figure draped in the shadows further up the hall. It was moving closer to us with slow, shaky steps. I couldn't make out any details while they were shrouded in the surrounding darkness but I swear...I swear I saw it sparkle.

"What the..." I grumbled.

"Is that..." Koizumi began.

"Edward Cullen." Nagato confirmed.

Sure enough, the creature that stepped out into the dim light was indeed the character from that awful film. His skin was coated in white powdery make-up that looked like he had fallen into a bath-tub full of flour. His cheap clothes were all in dull colours which made his pale, sparkly skin stand out more. He had women's lip-stick painted on his mouth to look like a cheap street working tart. His presence made me feel nervous.

Koizumi looked to me and then asked calmly, "Excuse me, who are you?"

The stranger bowed and announced that he was indeed, "Edward Cullen. I'm sure you've seen my films."

"Yes...We have..." I turned to Koizumi and frowned, "What is _he_ doing here?"

"Well, maybe Miss Suzumiya created this closed space to exact her revenge on him or perhaps the entire Twilight cast?"

"What? She's going to kill them?"

Koizumi didn't answer with words, but his expression hardened into a serious face rarely seen behind his confident smile. I understood now. Haruhi brought us here because she wanted us to help her destroy Twilight. It seems I'll have to get my hands dirty again, but when have I ever done something as part of this stupid meaningless little club where I haven't had to do bad things? At least this time I don't have to embarrass myself by pretending to be Prince Charming in a childish fairy-tale. I'll let Nagato do that from now on, she seemed to have had a ball earlier. That was probably her first kiss anyway. She must have read enough about it in stories and those weird games on her computer.

"So...Are you like, one of those Twilight fan-clubs? OMG that is so sweet! Thank you so much." He spoke like the pre-teen girls that adore him.

We didn't even get to answer his question and he was already going on about himself as if he's a god. I've seen proof that Haruhi is something special but this guy is just an asshole. He's just a self-obsessed, narcissistic fool who happened to conspire to make a movie that is even worse that _our _movie! How he has any fans at all amazes me. Are there people out there that are really that stupid? I thought only Haruhi was that dumb. I must have been wrong...

The sparkling vampire laughed at some joke he had told that no-one was listening to and then instantly launched into another story about himself and his supposedly fascinating life. I tuned out again and glanced down at Haruhi.

If she wants to exact her revenge on this guy and erase him from existence that is fine by me, just hurry up and do it!

"Oh my god! Come meet my friends!" Edward ran off back down the hall, squealing like an excited little girl. I think he wanted us to follow him.

I looked to the others with a frown. "What should we do?"

Koizumi shrugged, "We have no other option. If Miss Suzumiya is here to find the cast of Twilight we had better follow him. The sooner she deals with them the sooner we can return to our world."

"We shall make the hunt easier for Haruhi Suzumiya." Nagato picked up the unconscious girl in question and marched off. I guess that meant we were going then.

Koizumi moved to pick up Asahina but I dived past him and snatched up the sleeping beauty in my arms before him and cradled her like a baby. I couldn't help but share one of Koizumi's smug smiles but he just returned it with an even cheesier smile and strolled off. Damn I wish I could wipe that smile off his face! But that can wait; I'm much more focused on Miss Asahina's body heat emanating from her gently resting form and the cute little sighing breaths she makes.

I look around from left to right, making sure no-one is watching. Then I nuzzle Asahina's cheek like a cat. Her skin is so soft I giggle like a complete idiot, but I don't care. Haruhi is unconscious so she won't ever know and Koizumi and Nagato are gone. No-one would ever know so I might as well...

Unfortunately there was someone who did notice. Someone I had forgotten to take into account. Someone who screamed so loud in my ear that I dropped the sweet little time-traveller and in a fit of panic tried to run but tripped on my own feet to land on the floor with a deafening thud.

I'm so sorry Miss Asahina...

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><p><span>20 points to anyone who understood the reference Kyon made when he congratulated Yuki. It should be an easy one, there are several hints. <span>

70 points to anyone who reviews!

Where did the rest of the points go? I used them to bribe Yuki in the last chapter...

REVIEW!


	6. Accidents Do Happen

It's times like these when I wish I had a gun. No, I'm not feeling homicidal or anything. I'd much rather put a bullet to good use and lodge it deep within my brain. Aw, teenage suicide. I know it's a problem but seriously you don't understand what I have to deal with. I mean sure you've read this far but you have _never _met anyone like Haruhi and chances are you've never experienced anything this bad in your entire life.

Your problems are petty. I have a legitimate reason to be suicidal, especially after what just happened with Miss Asahina...

In case your memory is as weak as Haruhi's logic I'll fill you in. I'm stuck in a closed space (Don't ask what that is, I'm sure I've explained it before and if I haven't...Go ask Koizumi!) with not only the SOS Brigade, but the cast of this crappy movie Haruhi forced us to watch. It was called Twilight. Now various circumstances led to the adorable baby-faced mascot for our crappy, meaningless brigade, Miss Asahina fainting and with the gang moving on I volunteered to carry the graceful sleeping beauty to our next destination, like any gentleman would.

Unlike most gentlemen however, I lost sight of my better judgement and tried to take advantage of Miss Asahina's loss of consciousness by gently caressing her cheeks with my own, nuzzling her like Shamisen does to my sister at home. Yeah I know, you're probably scoffing at that right now aren't you, but you haven't been subjected to Miss Asahina's charms. There is nothing more bewitching than this clumsy little doll with the body of a supermodel, always with shy tears brimming in the corners of her eyes. Trust me, in my position you would have done the same...

...Unless you realised that she was actually awake at the time.

Yes, I misjudged the situation big time. Miss Asahina stared at me with wide eyes, like a deer fawn faced with a rifle barrel. She squealed ever so loudly and so suddenly that I panicked and...Kind of threw her across the hall. She hit the floor hard and in my haste to escape I too tripped and smacked my face on the floorboards. They are harder than they look, trust me, I know from experience. I have to fight back tears every time I breathe in.

Now this whole commotion had stirred every single inhabitant of the closed space and a veritable circus seemed to crowd around the time-travelling angel and I as we slowly sat up. Their stares were painful. What little semblance of pride and dignity that remained unscathed from my exhausting imprisonment under Haruhi's wing had now been washed away in a flood of shame.

It was bad enough that Koizumi was still smiling like a handsome jackass and Nagato had a barely readable expression as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. It was even worse that the entire cast of that stupid movie were gawking at us like tourists on a sight-seeing tour. But worst of all...

Haruhi was there, eyes wide open. She must have come to after hearing the terrified screams of the SOS Brigades mascot/toy. This could end badly...Very badly.

I glanced over to Miss Asahina, whose face had turned so red it looked like she was going to explode, but please don't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I caused such a thing. She stole a quick glance and hastily jerked her head aside and looked away. In that brief moment where our gazes had met, I could tell she was afraid.

I turned back to Haruhi who wore an expression of disgust that looked as if she had just had to artificially inseminate a cow without gloves. She wanted to say something but for once in her life the fiery young girl was actually speechless. I don't know whether to view that as a great achievement or an omen for the end of the world...

"Well this is awkward," I muttered carelessly when the silence had stretched on for close to five minutes (Not that I was counting.) Everyone just stared at me as I'd told them I slept with their sister.

"Kyon..." Mikuru whispered, more terrified than ever. Before she could voice her fears, however, the grim reaper confirmed them as Haruhi practically exploded with rage. You'd think Haruhi's mood swings would not affect me as much, but I was really shitting myself at that moment.

I literally jumped like a frightened cat at the sound of her voice. My skin was crawling. Such a pretty girl and yet she had not only the capacity to destroy the world, but to scare young men senseless. I couldn't really tell if Haruhi was even using words. It just sounded like a dog barking to me but the others looked rather disturbed so maybe there was some kind of translation to her animalistic outburst.

The sparkling fairy boy was cowering in the corner, trembling uncontrollably. The other cast members had also managed to retreat to shady corners and hiding places to escape this crazy young girl's wrath.

It was at that point that I realised I shouldn't have been observing the reactions of the others and that I should have been concerning myself with...Well, myself...

Haruhi's small white hands clasped around my collar and dragged me up to my feet. I was expecting a punch but it never came, I just felt a tsunami of spittle as she yelled right in my face. I desperately wanted to wipe my face but refrained from doing so since any sudden movements might frighten this wild animal and cause her to strike.

So with no other choice I tried to decipher the thunderous roar escaping her gaping maw.

"-Have you no shame? You're a member of the SOS Brigade! I will not tolerate such insubordination from a lowly minion such as you!"

I wiped my face and then I glared at Haruhi. "What insubordination? What the hell are you going on about?"

If I'm right, she would not have seen what happened so she has no real reason to be angry. She'll pout and say "I don't know," and then she will shut up for a while and we can get this stupid mission over and done with so I can go back home and sleep!

Unfortunately, just because she didn't see that didn't mean she couldn't come up with a different excuse. She boldly puffed her chest out and yes I stared (I got slapped too...) and then she proudly declared, "Your Brigade Chief was unconscious and you were out playing in the halls rather than helping! Do you not care if your leader's life is in danger?"

Not really...Beside you weren't in danger, you were just flustered because of Nagato's new found interest.

Haruhi blushed like Miss Asahina often does and for a moment I actually fell for her charms. I almost lunged at her like a hungry beast but I managed to hold myself back after considering the possibly disastrous after-effects of such reckless actions.

Nagato didn't seem to mind; in fact her eyes seemed to sparkle like a false vampire's skin after being reminded of her little stroke of genius.

Koizumi stood back and watched the show for free with one of his cheesy smiles.

Miss Asahina was still on the floor and in fact it appeared she was about to collapse again after being reminded of Nagato's little stroke of genius.

I watched Haruhi's face as she flitted through about twelve different emotions in less than five seconds. She looked like a robot about to overload its systems and break down. I was wishing for that to happen but no, like the little steam engine that thought it could, she kept on going. Damn it!

She glared at me while stabbing an accusing finger at Edward who was curled up in the foetal position under a table. "Who the Hell is that? I'm the only one who can recruit new members!"

"Um..." Edward mumbled.

"Silence!" Haruhi snapped at him before whirling back around to face me. "And another thing! Why didn't you stop Yuki back there? I nearly suffocated!"

"Excuse me?" Edward raised his hand like a primary school student.

"Shut up!" Haruhi snarled. She turned back to me again, "Well?"

"Well you looked so cute as a couple I didn't want to interrupt. I never knew you two were so close."

In retrospect, teasing Haruhi was probably the worst possible thing to do. I realise that now. A shame it's too late. Her eyes blazed like minute suns and her mouth curled up into a vicious snarl. I swore I could see fangs. This doesn't look so good. Haruhi was clenching her fists so hard I could hear her knuckles cracking. Veins popped up on her arms and her body was trembling with rage.

I thought she was going to hit me. Instead she did something far worse.

"Sh-Shut up Kyon! I hope a vampire sucks you dry!"

Yes it sounded like the angry outburst of an imaginative child, but you see silly little things like that are far more serious when Haruhi Suzumiya is involved. In fact they seem to have a strange tendency of coming true. So now you understand why I'm worried...

Haruhi just signed my death warrant.

* * *

><p><span>Review now or haruhi might just seal your fate too!<span>


	7. Death, Destruction and Distractions

Sorry, it's been a while hasn't it? I was kind of distracted because, well I thought I was going to die. Actually, let me rephrase that for you: I'm going to die. Yep, that sounds about right.

So in case another recap is necessary (And if it is you really need to get your memory checked! You have more screws loose than Haruhi and that's saying something!) Here's a little reminder of my little taste of Hell thus far.

Haruhi rented a movie. It was called Twilight. It sucked, like _really _sucked. Enough to make someone want to destroy the entire world. And boy, what do you know? That's exactly what happened! Like a psychopathic toddler with a doomsday device Haruhi actually created a closed space just because of that movie, but here's the thing. The entire SOS Brigade was trapped inside and so were the cast of Twilight. Pretty messed up right? But it gets worse. Through a complete misunderstanding and possibly underlying reasons that frankly turn me on a little Nagato sort of...Well...

She made out with Haruhi. Not just an innocent, slightly tipsy, 'Oh let's just try it and see what happens' kind of kiss I'm talking about a full-on, unexpectedly aggressive tongue lashing from the otherwise emotionless humanoid interface. I think I just lost my place in the story again...

Oh that's right! Anyway, Haruhi passed out and when she finally came to I foolishly made fun of her and the unexpected encounter of the yuri kind, thinking my light-hearted jesting wouldn't foster much of a response other than my own selfish enjoyment.

I was wrong. Boy was I wrong. No, rather than take it with a pinch of salt, Haruhi practically sliced my arm off and pinched the salt over my wounds instead. Are you wincing? You should be because I think things were going to get messy. Really messy if my predictions were right. For you see, Haruhi obliviously snapped back to my (In my opinion) witty remarks with a death threat that when uttered by a certain hyperactive air-headed and criminally insane young girl/god mysteriously comes true.

Now guess what she said. Come on, guess! It's not too hard you just have to go back a fucking page! How lazy are you? Oh never mind, I'm doing a recap anyway. Well, Haruhi said to me with eyes alight like tiny little fires, "Shut up Kyon! I hope a vampire sucks you dry!"

You following me now? Yeah. I'm kind of screwed now aren't I? And such a shame too! I'm sure you were enjoying this, laughing at my misfortune. Laughing at my mistakes. Laughing at my nightmarish existence alongside Haruhi.

Well now it was all going to come to an end.

Vampire huh? I instinctively shot that supposed sparkling vampire a fierce glare and he backed away like a frightened child. He even whimpered like Shamisen does when it storms however unlike the talking fur ball there was no sympathy for this sappy little creature, especially if he was considering a taste test.

Now I remember that movie. I only vaguely drifted in and out of the poorly enacted farce but from what I remembered these generously entitled 'vampires' didn't actually drink human blood.

But Haruhi can be pretty convincing. In fact she can be really, really convincing. Why else would I be here right now? Okay maybe it was less about persuasion and more to do with dragging and abducting and...Okay Haruhi isn't convincing at all.

She's just forceful. Its times like these I'm glad the only member of the SOS Brigade that gets molested is Miss Asahina because frankly if she were to start doing that to me, she would be the man!

Oh god (Not you Haruhi!) I just realised...

I'm escaping reality again. Damn my thoughts, wandering about like a child at a train station, inevitably straying and getting lost.

I bring myself back to reality and find Haruhi seemed to have calmed down in the sense that she is no longer barking madly like a dog with rabies. But, and I must stress this, she did have a blazing fury in her eyes, a look of homicidal rage that had me cowering in fear. I sure hope she isn't the one who's going to bite me! She's menacing enough without pointy fangs and a thirst for blood. Speaking of blood, is she really this angry just because of my little comment or – Actually on second thought I don't even want to think about that.

It appeared I was talk of the town at that point. Haruhi was still glaring at me, but seriously Haruhi get over it! Do you even realise that acting this way might make Nagato upset?

…

No. You wouldn't think of things and like that and...Nagato still hasn't moved. She'd make a great statue busker but as a companion she's really lacking. I think her eyelids twitched, but that might have just been a trick of the light.

Mikuru was no longer embarrassed about my little escapade earlier and that's a relief. In fact even better, she looked quite concerned. Concerned about me! Ah, Miss Asahina your frightened little face is as warm as your precious tea...

Uh...What happened? Sorry I'm losing track a lot. I must be autistic. God and I thought Haruhi was the one with a mental problem!

Anyway Koizumi was, that's right you guessed it. He was smiling. That same fake, overly joyful despite the bad situation and completely infuriating smile! Stop it! Stop smiling before I knock out those pearly white teeth of yours you arrogant son of a-

"Hey!" Haruhi snapped, "Leave Koizumi out of this! Going against your leader is one thing but to fight amongst your comrades as well...You are the worst kind of person! Minus fifty points for you!"

"What are you even talking about?"

Haruhi seems taken aback by my question. I consider whether I may have crossed the line again when she makes a strange face and replies quite hesitantly, "Points? What did you think I was talking about?"

Do you have a gun? I could use one right now. No, don't worry I'm not going to risk the future of the human race and shoot Haruhi, no, no I'm just going to off myself instead.

"I'm not talking about the points, I'm talking about...Well I don't know really but-"

"Then what are you wining for?" Again Haruhi eloquently interrupts me, "Stop being a nuisance and step back into line!"

"No! I don't care about your stupid little crusade! I just want to go home!"

"How dare you! We have a chance to explore something really weird and you want to run home?"

"Um...Excuse me?" Edward piped up.

"WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU!" We managed to both yell in unison. I would have said great minds think alike but Haruhi is far from great. She's an idiot with not just a capital I, but also the 'D', the 'I', the 'O' and the 'T'. Anyway the stupid and shameful excuse for a vampire steps back and Haruhi and I resume our little stand-off.

We continue to argue but honestly I wasn't even paying attention to her and I really wasn't thinking through what I was saying. Most of it was just jumbled words that I'm sure if you join the dots would form some kind of valid argument in my defence. Throughout it all though I thought I heard a strange noise, like a shrill scream, but I was distracted by Haruhi spitting in my face as she roared like a mentally deficient lion.

After a while I realised it was Miss Asahina who was causing the noise and I also realised she was tugging at my sleeve like an innocent child begging for help. I turned to her so suddenly she just about had a heart-attack and collapsed in my arms. In the back of my mind I was squealing like a fan-boy but on the outside I put on an air of seriousness and tried to address her problem with what little attention I had left that wasn't rerouted to the petite young time-traveller's breasts rubbing up against my arm.

"Miss Asahina, what's wrong?"

"It-It-It-It-It's..." She stammered on, unable to form words. I was slightly amused when I heard her say 'tit' which just reminded me of my arm and then for a moment I lost all composure. Thankfully I lapsed back into consciousness again just around the time when Miss Asahina could remember how to speak.

"It's Miss Nagato! She's...She's gone berserk!"

Boy she wasn't lying...

The room which once housed the entire cast of that shitty movie Twilight, was now a butcher-shop. Blood soaked the walls in a sloppy and horrendous pain job. Half the cast were dead, in fact dead was an understatement. They were messed up. Throats were torn asunder, limbs torn, off guts pulled, heads decapitated, the works! There was no way in Hell they were going to get back up, vampire or not.

But that wasn't the worst part. In the middle of it, amidst the sea of carnage, there stood a young girl with a vacant expressionless face. Her eyes betrayed no emotion and her round little face, like an exquisitely carved porcelain doll was spattered with fresh blood. Her lips were ruby red, still dripping. Thin red trails dribbled down her chin and stained her uniform. She looked up at me and just stared, examining me like a doctor would.

"Nagato..." I tried to talk but much like Miss Asahina I couldn't really think of anything to say. I searched my mind for something, anything to say but rather than a response I just remembered something else instead. You might remember not long ago something Haruhi had said to me. A little something like, "I hope a vampire sucks you dry!"

Well this was it.

Nagato was the vampire!

I'm sorry I can't write more right now but you see I'm quite busy running for _my fucking life!_


	8. Feelin Drained

Nagato? Nagato?

My voice creaked like a rusted old gate as I let out that pitiful response. I'd already suffered enough. Why the Hell did this have to happen? I mean if that sparkling little fairy was sent out to attack me I'm quite sure I could survive. In fact I could probably beat him.

But Nagato? I don't have a chance! I mean sure walking up and down that hill to school each day has made my leg muscles stronger but even with that there isn't much hope in running from Nagato. She's a machine. I've never seen her worn out, never seen her give up. She doesn't suffer from the human weaknesses of laziness and exhaustion. She just keeps on going, doing whatever that Data Integration Thought Entity thingy tells her to do. I bet it's telling her to stop right now, but a command from Haruhi is unbreakable, I know, I've tried.

There aren't any mirrors around here but I'm sure a quick glance would reveal my face drained of colour, whiter than a sheet or a KKK Kostume. I know I spelled that wrong, but for God's sake (Shut up Haruhi!) I'm shaking so much it's a wonder I'm still standing.

I'm surprised my bladder hasn't leaked at this point either, especially when Nagato took a tentative step forward. She was slightly unsure of herself, but like a zombie she advanced upon me. Seeing the doll-faced little book-worm drenched in blood is unimaginably terrifying. I could describe it with my fancy linguistic skills but even so it would pale in comparison to the image I saw.

This was death incarnate. I keep on expecting a scythe to pop up out of nowhere. Thankfully she's still bare handed, but I still doubt I'm going to make it far.

Nonetheless, I turn to run and sure enough I get a decent head-start, bolting far ahead of the stunned pack of fools behind me. I almost delude myself into believing I can escape. But then I slam into a solid wall of...Well nothing really.

An invisible wall, like the one that surrounds closed space, sealing everyone and everything inside. But the barrier can't possibly be so close! We were moving around this hall just a little earlier! Unless-

"I have manipulated the data for this closed space and contained it within this hall. There is nowhere to run."

Memories of Miss Asakura's psychotic episode flash through my mind. Back then it was Nagato who saved me, who literally took a bullet for me. Now she's the one trying to kill me! Does nobody else realise how wrong this is?

…

Oh right...No-one else knows...It's my dark little secret, among others but I'll never tell you those. I'll keep them locked away to my grave, which isn't too hard considering I'll probably be dead in about ten seconds.

Now it may sound like I've resolved myself to death, but no. I'm so terrified that I squeal like a little girl and throw myself into the club-room. The door resisted, bouncing me back like a ping pong ball. I rolled like said ping pong ball until I slammed the back of my head into the wall opposite. The door hadn't even budged and now I was tired and in so much pain I could have broken down into an emotional wreck and sobbed like a five year old girl.

I didn't though. It may not seem that way, especially after what just happened but I do have some slim sense of dignity. But dignity is no shield against a vampiric Nagato. She's towering above me now, quite ironic because she is a lot smaller than me. She reaches out and her freezing hands make contact with my neck.

Now there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm going to die in shame. How wonderful. I savagely beat my fists against her, albeit feeling guilty while doing so because I never thought I'd ever hit a girl (Except for Haruhi but to be honest she doesn't really count because...Well it would have been justified! Don't judge me!)

Nagato's eyes are so hollow and soulless I swear they were just painted on. She doesn't appear at all concerned about ending my life. She just looks the same. She still acts the same. Silently she lifts me up until I'm eve-level with her. She cocks her head almost quizzically, then she opens her mouth.

Usually she speaks like a well-trained ventriloquist, without so much as the slightest twitch of the mouth. But this time I can actually see her teeth, see a definitive gap between her lips. I see fangs but I can't tell whether they are new additions or they've always been there since I've never seen Nagato's mouth open any wider than the size of a 1 yen coin. She could have had fangs since birth, who knows? Either way she has fangs and she's leaning towards me and-

I want to scream, like really scream. Cry so damn loud that the world outside this closed space can hear me. I take a deep breath but the moment Nagato's lips press against my throat all that air wheezes out as if from a slashed tyre. Her teeth gently prod my skin and for a moment it kind of tickles. Then they break the skin. I feel her tiny little fangs (Which would have been cute on an anime character) sink through my throat as if it were sculpted out of butter. My body won't move, my arms hang limp by my side. The pain is immense, but rather than scream, a weak whimpering sound is all that escapes me.

I crane my neck over to stare at Haruhi. She's even more terrified than I am. Her eyes are watering, her knees and knocking together and her already pale hue has gone at least ten shades lighter. Mikuru has gone out like a light bulb and for once Koizumi isn't smiling. His stunned face is even more unsettling than his smile but at least he cares...

As for that Edward...He's pale. Well actually pale, not like the overdosed coating of self-raising flour caked to his skin. He looks sick, he might even throw up. What kind of vampire gets nauseous when he watches another of his kind feed? He really is pathetic.

Oh...I'm escaping reality once more. I guess even in my death throes I can't stop it. My coping mechanism has always been my wandering thoughts but now it's gotten me nowhere. The pain is still there, still gnawing away at the very fabric of my being. I'm becoming delusional now, getting all poetic and philosophical like a cancer patient on their death bed.

Nagato doesn't make a sound as she gulps down my blood. She doesn't even stop to breath or take a break, she just keeps chugging it down as if this was a drinking game at a frat house. Her eyes are still wide open. I become lost in them when I return my attention back to her. Her gaze is hypnotic, mesmerising. I almost feel some kind of deep-seated longing for the odd little alien, but then I feel dizzy.

I can't support my own weight anymore and so I collapse, but Nagato lets me down gently. I feel weightless. Just how much blood has she drained from me?

I glance one more time at Haruhi and I can't help but place the blame on her head. I know she's worried about me, terrified even...But with my last breaths I want to get something off my chest and screw the entire world! I don't care if it causes the apocalypse. I don't care if the entire world collapses or exploded or implodes or whatever. I need to tell Haruhi...

"YOU DID THIS HARUHI!"

Her expression then, sickens me. Not because of the wide, glistening puppy eyes or the way her hair so elegantly flows around her perfectly rounded cheeks. Not even because of the open mouth frown at her disbelief. No, I'm disgusted with myself for blaming that beautiful young girl for all of my life's problems...

"KYON!"

The trance of shock seems to have worn off now and the Brigade leader moves so fast she could outrun a bolt of lightning. She barrels into Yuki with the force of a bullet train at full speed and together they go tumbling across the hall and into the invisible wall.

I would have taken the chance to get up and run but...I feel like I'm already dead.

I hear shouting and pounding footsteps and then...Then I see the face of God, and in my wasted, delusional state, I can't help but think to myself...

God's pretty...But I reckon God would still look better with a ponytail...


	9. Fading Light

So...

This is what death feels like. I've always wondered, you know, in the club room. Many a time while playing the thirtieth consecutive game of Othello against Koizumi, always wearing that phoney smile whether he's winning or not. Many a time when I try to converse with Nagato only for her to respond with deafening silence. Many a time when Haruhi forced me to do stupid things that I would only do out of obligation for a world I was supposedly trying to save...It was times like those that I would often ask myself that question.

This is the answer. It's not like I expected.

There is no release. I still feel pain, excruciating pain. It's not peaceful either. There is a lot of yelling and crying. It's a complete let-down. I mean if death is just as bad, then why don't I just keep on living? Well it's not like there's much chance of that happening. I doubt Haruhi can reverse what she has done. I know she's got some strange powers but I don't think a rewind button is one of them.

Looks like this is the end.

Hmm, that sucks.

I didn't even get to go on a proper date with Miss Asahina. I never got to wipe that grin of Koizumi's face. Hell, I haven't even met a slider yet! There's so much I'm going to miss, is this really it? That's bullshit! I want a refund! No, I don't have the receipt, but you could at least give me a store credit or something, right Haruhi?

Wait, what the Hell am I mumbling about? Is my brain shutting down? Have all the well-read cells in my brain clocked off early for the day? No! I need my fancy metaphors! Without them I'm as useless as...As...Uh...Needle in a haystack? Oh god it really is over isn't it?

This isn't fair! I'm the normal guy! I'm not supposed to die yet! If this were a movie we all know the black guy would die first. Sure there is no black guy, but then next it's usually the shy and nervous one. So Miss Asahina should be-

No! Don't ever think of that! Bad Kyon, bad!

Oh for fucks sake now even I'm calling myself that!

I can't think straight, partially because I'm practically empty inside and I'm not talking about some kind of adolescent psychological crap either, I mean like literally empty inside. Nagato drank just about all of my blood using my neck as a drinking straw. But no the real distraction are the tears. Tears that aren't mine. Tears that are dropping into my eyes and getting really quite annoying.

I force my head to one side a little and glance up at the source of my irritation. It's not too surprising that it's Haruhi; I mean when have I ever been in a bad situation that wasn't revolving around her? Still seeing her sob like Miss Asahina often does is compelling viewing.

I smile like a dumb-ass, attempting to chuckle but only forcing a wet, gurgling cough out of my shrivelled lungs. It hurts terribly but whatever, what's done is done. I stare up at her and study the thin, glistening trails cascading down her soft cheeks like diamond waterfalls. I feebly reach out to wipe them away but my hand only gets about half a foot off the ground before it sags back into place and stays there.

"Kyon..." Haruhi chokes on the damned nickname making it sound more like an incoherent noise than a name. Her hands tremble as they reach out towards me and as they hover over me she seems to hesitate. Her expression shifts between conflicting emotions and Haruhi seems to be struggling to make a decision for once. I can't believe she is actually unsure of herself! This is a world first. It must not just be the end of me; surely it's the end of the world too.

Anyway after some kind of intensive deliberation, Haruhi's slender little hands wrapped around my back and soon enough she was cradling me in a half-hearted embrace. I was absolutely freezing but her touch seemed to spark a few fires and I was beginning to feel tingles all over.

I gazed into her eyes, mesmerised by their beauty. I'd never really paid attention to her before, what with Miss Asahina being the walking embodiment of moe, but now I've come to realise just how beautiful Haruhi looks when she's not smiling like a hyperactive toddler or scowling like she'd just had to sit through the entire Twilight film.

Our faces came close, close enough that I could feel her shallow breaths against my cheeks. I stared at her and she returned my gaze and together we just sat there, basking in the moment. Haruhi's lips quivered and then her cheeks started turning bright pink.

I think I get the message.

"Kyon...You asshole!"

Ok, I wasn't expecting that.

"How dare you...How dare you abandon the SOS Brigade! How dare you abandon _me_?"

Aw how cute. She's so upset she's forcing herself to uphold her image as the leader of that crappy little Brigade we were part of. You know in this position a bright little idea comes to mind. Well, it's not a bright idea, it's really kind of stupid, but it's been proven to work before so I might as well give it a shot. Besides, if I can return us back home then maybe, just maybe I can survive?

Here goes nothing.

I whisper for Haruhi to lean in closer. She obliges and leans down a little until there's merely an inch or two between us. I whisper even softer then and Haruhi strained to hear. She leaned in closer still until our noses were almost touching.

I can't help but laugh.

_Snow white eh?_

Without warning it happened. I barely even realised what I was doing until I felt the comforting embrace around me relax. Haruhi was stunned, her hands momentarily dropping by her sides while she regained her bearings. Soon enough she closed her eyes and joined in.

Two in one day, she's on a roll...

Now I must point out I was doing this out of desperation (No not that kind!) I was dying. Nagato was advancing again. Nobody else had any ideas, or maybe they did but they weren't really doing anything were they? Besides, half the work was already done for me. I was already propped up at her eye-level with barely a hairs breadth between us. Call me opportunistic if you will, I just wanted to go home.

But that being said, it's not like it was bad or anything. Her lips are soft. She shivered a little and so I lazily draped my arms around her in a half-assed embrace of my own. She didn't protest, not like she did when Nagato tried it, though there were several differences there. One being Haruhi's lack of consciousness and the other being the oddly aggressive attack on Nagato's part.

When eventually I ran out of breath and the pain was becoming so intense that I couldn't enjoy myself anymore I withdrew my lips from her and sank back into her arms. I lay there and waited, counting Miss Asahinas in sheep costumes clumsily bound over a fence.

I waited.

I waited some more.

Nothing.

A weak laugh escaped me, "Damn, at least I tried..."

Haruhi stared at me in disbelief, "Kyon..." she muttered. It seemed she was stuck on that for the time being. Shock seems to stunt a person's vocabulary. A shame it's not my actual name, but whatever...

The faintest sound of Nagato's footfalls become thunderous in the dead silence around me. All eyes turn on the ghostly data interface/alien/vampire.

Haruhi sets me down and grabs the smaller girl by the collar, lifting her off her feet. Nagato looks entirely unfazed.

"Snap out of it Yuki! What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this?"

"You caused all of this," I mumble only just loud enough for her to hear. "Only you can fix this...Haruhi..."

"Me? But why? What am I supposed to do?" frantically she searched the room, dropping Nagato and shoving her aside. She looked around at the horrid and bloody mess and eventually found that worthless excuse for a vampire cowering in the shadows. A look of pure rage crossed her features and in the blink of an eye she was off.

Edward scrambled away from her on all fours, scuttling like a mentally handicapped beetle and barely making any ground on the vengeful god. The vampiress ran into an invisible barrier and spun on his heels to face his pursuer. He desperately rummaged through his pockets and procured a small case. It was a DVD, a peace offering it seemed.

Unfortunately, it was the Twilight DVD. The catalyst for this whole damned circus freak show. Needless to say it didn't work.

"You!" Haruhi snarled like a ravenous beast, possibly even a true vampire? She pointed an accusing finger at the weeping little mess of a man and roared, "You did this didn't you! You must have bitten Yuki and made her one of your kind! How dare you try and steal my Brigade members! I'll make you pay!"

"W-w-wait! You've got it all wrong-"

"Aha! So you recruited your minions to do the dirty work for you! That's even worse, you lowly coward! I'll still have you pay for what you've done!"

Yeah, so like Haruhi to completely misinterpret reality for her own deluded vision of the world. But still, I guess there is still hope. As long as Haruhi quickly beats the living shit out of the damned fool with baby powder pallor before I drift off to the eternal sleep we might just be able to return home. Come on Haruhi! Give him one for me too! I'd love to do it myself but I'm kind of hard pressed to lift a finger right now.

Anyway a very anti-climactic stand-off ensued. Inevitably Edward lost, curling up into the foetal position and crying much like he always did. Haruhi charged with a mighty war cry and at last the final battle had begun.

Forgive me for not being more excited, I'm still kind of dying over here you see? Oh well, with nothing else to do, even if I wanted to, I sat back and watched on from the front row seats. I already knew what the outcome would be, it wasn't half obvious already. The only thing was, there was an unexpected time limit on this bout. A countdown to my own death.

I'd never cheered for Haruhi before, but now seemed a better time than any to start.

"Go Haruhi! Kick his sparkly ass!"

The vibrant young god turned to me and nodded.


	10. The Wrath of God

My life was once normal. The key word there was 'once'. Now, everything is wrong. Everything is confusing and out of this world (Literally in some cases) I could fill about eleven light novels with the kind of crap I've had to put up with since encountering Haruhi Suzumiya. In fact they would probably even make an anime adaption, sweeping the world and having fans demanding a second and third season. I'd probably even have enough tales left over to make a movie!

Anyway I'll skip to the ending since I'd much sooner die before finishing a recap at this point. So suffice to say, my very life depends on the inevitable outcome of a one-sided duel between what has been labelled a vampire but really is too pathetic to even be classed as a human, and a young girl who could unwittingly destroy the entire world over something as trivial as losing a card game or watching a bad movie. Truth be told it was after watching the visual abomination entitled 'Twilight' that Haruhi had brought us to this silent Hell known as a closed space. Everything we tried to return to our own world had thus far ended in failure and now the only option left to us seemed to be slaying the chicken-shit vampire princess.

I would have gladly taken part in the beating, but I'm on the verge of certain death. Miss Asahina would never have taken part anyway, but she's also excused since she's currently unconscious. I think she fainted when Nagato first dug her cute little fangs into my throat. Koizumi is perfectly able to participate but he seems to be in a state of shock at the moment. He's probably shitting himself ever since I kind of gave away Haruhi's little secret.

She didn't really understand what I said but part of it did sink in nonetheless. A mental wall might have blocked much of my message but I know something sank in. Something seeped down deep into her subconscious and convinced her that only she could fix this mess!

Haruhi rushed to meet her opponent but at the last second she stopped, craning her neck to glance at me over her shoulder. I cheered for her, albeit as weak as a sick kitten, but she still smiled and nodded. Then, she was off, running full-tilt towards the vampire menace.

Edward curled up into a ball but unlike an armadillo he had absolutely no protection from Haruhi's wrath so at the last second he unfurled himself from his little ball and rose to his full high which was just about equal to Haruhi. Haruhi slowed down and came to a halt before her foe who drew back his hand and splayed all the fingers of his right hand. In a blur of motion he raked his nails across her forearm and...

That was it really.

"Ow!" Haruhi yelped recoiling slightly. She looked down to her arm where thin white trails were left from where the baking flour had rubbed off of Edward's pale little hands. She dusted it off and glared at the little bastard.

For a moment they were just staring at each other and then out of nowhere Haruhi delivered a thunderous open palm slap. I've been slapped by Haruhi before and I know for a fact that it can really hurt, but this...This was insane! I saw blood!

Edward was thrown through the air, slamming into the window which would have easily smashed and ended this whole thing if Nagato still wasn't screwing around with the Closed Space's border. So instead of plummeting to his death, Edward just bounced off and hit the floor-boards with a heavy thud.

Haruhi was already panting, that slap must've taken a lot out of her. She huffed and puffed like a wolf outside one of the three little pig's houses. Her eyes were alight like fire and I swear there was an aura around her of pale blue light. I could have been hallucinating but part of me believes my eyes aren't deceiving me.

"You...You caused this all!" Haruhi snarled, "You hurt all of my friends and trapped me here in this weird place!"

Well actually- Oh never mind...

"You're not even that strong! You're a pathetic vampire! Even Kyon could beat you!"

Hey now, I'm right here next to you. And what do you mean by 'Even Kyon'? Are you calling me weak? Because if you are then spot on, but still don't say it aloud! I can point out all my faults with a straight face but when a beautiful girl is pointing them out it really hurts. Oh fuck, I'm escaping reality yet again! I need therapy or something. But first I guess I should make it out of here alive. Yeah, that might be wise...

Haruhi was still yelling and I can't believe how much of a relief it is to not be on the receiving end of her verbal assault for once. A contented sigh breezes out of me but a body-wracking cough soon follows, catching her attention. Haruhi spins on her heels to face me and I meet her gaze. I can't really speak right now since I'm choking on blood and foamy spittle but I command her with my steely gaze.

_Leave me. Do what you have to do._

She struggles with the decision and in her indecisive state Edward takes the advantage and sweeps his leg out to catch her on the shin. Haruhi falls flat on her face and I guiltily glance up her skirt as she does so. I have no idea why but that alone seems to give me hope.

While both were on the ground they grapple and I can't help but stare. It's like mud wrestling except only one of the girls is hot. Anyway Haruhi put Edward into a headlock and his milky white cheeks soon go bright pink. He chokes out feeble insults and slaps her wrists but it does little to throw her off. The wily vampire then took a different approach and closed his eyes.

I thought he was dead, I really did. But then I saw it...

Sparkles!

Haruhi leapt back and screamed, "Argh! It burns!" In the melee Edward rose to his feet and smirked like an arrogant prick. It was a hundred times worse than Koizumi's smile and this wasn't fake either. It was just a purely undeserved display of pure egotism.

Oh if I could move right now I would wipe that smile clean off your face! You're lucky I'm incapacitated! But guess what pal, Haruhi isn't.

The vengeful god rose to her feet, lifted by some otherworldly force and once again enveloped in that unexplained pale blue aura, only this time it was blazing. Haruhi clenched her fists and took up a fighting stance. Edward did the same and then they both charged head on.

Edward kept on running, barely able to react as Haruhi leapt high up off of the ground and flew through the air towards him. She straightened out horizontally and stretched out her legs. The two collided with a sonic boom and a powerful shockwave spread outwards, this time shattering all the windows in the hall and throwing the door to the club room so far back that it went through the back window.

The weak-willed vampire was flung back by the explosive force and landed in a heap by my side. He gazed up at me dazedly and then quickly returned his attention to his fearsome opponent. His nose seemed to have caved in on itself and he was sneezing blood all over himself. A hideous black eye was already welling up and both cheeks were red and raw. The self-raising flour had been stripped away revealing only slightly different tone. He was still as pale as an albino even without the cheap crappy make-up, but most of that was now marred by the horrible cuts and bruises all over.

Edward gurgled and cried worthlessly as Haruhi stalked her victim. She was giggling to herself as she neared him and as she towered over the pitiful creature sobbed and begged for his life. Haruhi answered by stomping on his chest. He gagged and wheezed as the air was knocked out of him and then hopelessly sagged down onto the floor. He was as good as dead. But there were no surprises there. A dropkick from Haruhi was like a point blank shot from a 50 calibre sniper rifle.

That was good to hear, but seriously I just hope she hurries up with this, I don't know how much longer I can hold out...

Haruhi stared down at me, at the bloodless body lying before her. She frowned and fir a moment I thought she had already given up on me, but then she whispered ever so softly, "It's my fault...I did this...Be careful what I wish for..."

Oh boy. The moment of truth had arrived. Haruhi was finally considering my words. Well I might as well pack it in and call it game over then. I'm a goner now. But hey, it's not just me; all life will soon be extinct. This entire world will probably collapse in on itself and like a phoenix, re-emerge from our ashes. This was it.

"Kyon...I think I get it now..."

Here it comes.

"This is my world."

Apocalypse in five, four, three, two, one...

"Because it's only a dream!"

Huh?

"Yeah! This must be one of those lucid dreams where I control everything that happens!"

"Uh, yes it is Miss Suzumiya! This is a lucid dream!" Koizumi finally snapped out of his trance.

But revelations aside, I'm still dying over here.

Haruhi smiled that smile I always dreaded. "Oh no you're not!" she decreed. Haruhi waved her hand around as if she were a magician and giggled like the innocent schoolgirl she should have been. "Alright Kyon, on the count of three you will become a vampire! One!"

Hang on!

"Two!"

What are you doing?

"Three!"

Wait-

"Now Kyon, feed upon this worthless soul!" She kicked Edward over to me and started howling with maniacal laughter.

Edward stared at me, trying ever so hard to get the puppy-eyes look but failing miserably. I sagged forward and grabbed the sparkling vampire by his hair, dragging him up to be eye level with me. Without even thinking I spread my lips wide and bit down into his throat. Then I drank.

I couldn't stop since Haruhi had willed me to sustain myself on his tainted blood, but it was bloody awful (Ha ha, get it? Bloody awful? Blood? Oh go die in a hole!) Anyway, Edward's blood tasted absolutely disgusting, like sea water and sewerage. Still, I felt much better as I drank. I could feel blood coursing through my veins once again. I could move my fingers, my toes, my arms, my legs. I felt wonderful, like I had just woken up from a power nap.

I don't know how long I was there, draining the mewling little vampire but eventually I felt his weak resistance give in and his body went slack. Knowing full well that he was dead I dropped him carelessly to the floor and wiped my lips before pushing myself up to my feet and standing for the first time in what had felt like an eternity.

"So...He's dead." I mumble awkwardly.

"Yes, he is." Koizumi confirms it by prodding him with his toes. Sure enough Edward didn't move.

"Edward Cullen has been pronounced deceased as of now." Nagato added, still drenched in blood.

Miss Asahina slowly returned to consciousness, but upon seeing the carnage around her quickly passed out again.

And last but not least, Haruhi seemed quite proud of herself and flashed us all a beaming smile before everything suddenly went black...

* * *

><p><span>Don't miss the final chapter! If you do, Haruhi will dropkick you too!<span>

Now review! If you don't Edward might just come back!


	11. Everything's Back to Abnormal

I woke up. In my bed. In my house. I checked out the window and saw a sun blazing down on the town. I saw other people outside walking around and living their lives. I smirked like a dumbass and uttered to no-one but myself, "Mission accomplished."

"Kyon, you're gonna be late for school!"

That was my little alarm clock- I mean sister, amplifying my mother's words from somewhere in the house. I looked to the clock and groaned. She was right; I was going to be late. I mean I could run to school? But do you want to run up and down Mount Everest just so you won't be marked late? I certainly don't. I just survived...Something and I was going to take it easy today.

"KYON!" the brat yelled louder this time.

"Shut up! I heard you the first time!"

I'm sorry; you shouldn't be watching my family fight. Just know that I won, actually that sounds a bit wrong. How about, oh screw it I was out the door already anyway.

* * *

><p>After the exhausting trip up and down the hill I finally reached the school. I glanced up at the clock near the shoe lockers and realised it was already third period. I must have been going <em>really <em>slowly today.

Oh well.

I trudged up to the accursed classroom and bowed shamefully towards our teacher who stared at me from behind thick spectacles. He looked at me as if I'd just strolled in naked and with all eyes on me I kind of felt like that too. I shuffled over to my desk, cheeks burning as I went.

Haruhi had head down on the desk, sound asleep as I walked in. As soon as I sat down however she perked right up like a dazzling flower. She had an odd smile on her face. That one that spells doom no matter what comes out of her mouth after it.

"Hey Kyon, guess what?"

I sighed, "What?"

"I said guess what!" she snarled.

I don't want to guess. _You_ guess!

"Oh god you're no fun!" Haruhi slumped over again. "I just wanted to tell you about this crazy dream I had last night."

"A dream huh? Bet it wasn't as crazy as the one I had." I mumbled thoughtlessly. I looked up to the board and tried to get the gist of what we were supposed to be doing so that in the unlikely event I was called upon to answer a question, I'd have a slightly better chance of guessing right. While I did so, however I felt a burning sensation in my back. I turned around to face Haruhi who was gleaming like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Did you say you had a weird dream?" she asked with so much enthusiasm I thought she was going to explode.

"Uh..."

"Mine had vampires in it!" Haruhi yelled, still keeping true to the image of a little kid. Her innocence was alright but still slightly disturbing. "Oh yeah!" she clicked her fingers and grinned, "And Mikuru was there, and Yuki was there, and Koizumi too!"

"Was I in your dream?" I grumbled.

Haruhi's cheeks flushed bright red and she shifted about uncomfortably in her seat as if she was desperate to go to the bathroom. For a second it looked like she was about to cry, then she just turned away without answering.

I know this was stupid of me and I really must not have learned anything from my ordeal and it could have brought upon potentially catastrophic after-effects including but not limited to the destruction of the entire world, but I couldn't help but lean in so close that I was practically eating her hair and whispering:

"You were in my dream Haruhi..."

The look on her face was priceless and most of the class became aware of something happening when Haruhi started hyperventilating and screaming. The teacher couldn't settle the class down and eventually it became time for the next period and Haruhi never left the room so fast in her entire life.

Meanwhile, I felt a smile creep up on my face. Honestly, a smile!

* * *

><p>After school I found myself actually excited to get to the club room for once. I was truly itching for a game of Othello with Koizumi, my throat parched and begging for a cup of Miss Asahina's tea. I was eager to hear about Nagato's day (A little something along the lines of "...") and of course...<p>

Haruhi would be there!

I knocked and waited for a reply. No-one answered, but I couldn't hear the feeble cries of Miss Asahina or the triumphant battle cry of Haruhi so I decided to help myself inside.

The club room was empty. Not even Nagato was there. Just to be sure I double checked and scanned the room once more because I've accidentally confused her with furniture before. When I was certain that chair in the corner was merely a chair I stumbled in and collapsed into one of the seats at the pushed together desks. I was waiting for a while, but eventually Haruhi started creeping into the room, trying to go by unnoticed.

"What are you doing?" I asked, prompting her to make a silly little yelping noise before launching one of her typical counter-attacks.

"Be quiet! Don't you dare question your leader! You will never get promoted with that attitude!"

"Promoted to what? Will I stop being number two and you'll start addressing me by my real name?"

"No! That's stupid! You would become Koizumi's assistant vice commander of the SOS Brigade."

"I'd rather you say my name. Just call me-"

"Shut up Kyon! And stop dreaming about me!"

I'm right next to you. There's no need to yell...

"By the way, Kyon?" Haruhi suddenly became quiet, as if possessed by Miss Asahina. She started pushing her index fingers against one another, staring at them rather than me as she quietly asked, "What was your dream like?"

I decided to tell her the truth, well a little bit of the truth. I'd have to skip out a bit of classified information and some sensitive details. So in the end I just straight out told her, "Well, if I remember right we kissed."

Haruhi's cheeks invented a new shade of red.

"W-w-w-what?"

"Not just me, Nagato kissed you too. That was a passionate performance if I do say so myself."

Haruhi started stammering like a broken record. She babbled on for a while until she slapped me full in the face. I was kind of expecting it but it still hurt like a bitch. It even knocked me out of my chair.

"Hey, what's wrong? I thought you were into weird stuff?" I asked, forcing an innocent tone out of me that I never knew I had.

Haruhi stamped her feet and made a stupid face, "Not that kind of weird! That's too weird! That's wrong!"

"I don't know, there's a definite market for yuri-"

"Shut up!"

Oh the fun I was having then. I was struggling so hard not to laugh. Somehow I managed to restrain myself, well at least until there came a knock on the door. For a moment there was complete silence as we both watched on, entranced by the door as it swayed on its hinges.

Then Nagato stepped into the room, shooting Haruhi a strong glance and whispering, "Hello."

It seemed like just a casual greeting, but Yuki never talks and so when she uttered that one little word Haruhi took it the wrong way and bolted out of the room cursing and screaming.

It was then that I finally broke out into hysterical laughter. It was some time until I realised Nagato had sat down and took something out of her bag.

"..." she asked.

I looked up and became washed in the radiant glow of an extravagant and most likely very expensive bouquet of flowers. Nagato brandished them in her rigid arms and stared at me with that same flat-lined expression. Then, in a voice as gentle as the whispering wind, Nagato asked me:

"Are they nice?"

I looked around uncertainly, half expecting a camera crew or Taniguchi or someone behind this dumb joke but when I found none I choked out, "They're lovely..."

Nagato nodded with an affirmative hum that sounded like a refrigerator with the door open and looked outside the open door to the hallway beyond. When she looked back I swear I noticed the slightest tint of pink behind her porcelain cheeks.

"Haruhi likes flowers."

I collapsed.

_**END**_

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><p><span>Well that was fun wasn't it? I hope you enjoyed that. Writing Haruhi fics is blood good fun I'll be sure to put up more in the near future. Anyway thanks to everyone who read, most of all the reviewers for helping me out along the way with your support and advice. This was originally supposed to be a one-shot but I guess it got out of control didn't it? Oh yeah, and huge thanks to The Layman for actually inspiring this story in the first place. <span>

Now go on, review!


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